POST NOTE: This may very well be one of those ‘procrastidying my room instead of studying’ moments but oh so necessary for January…. and me 🙂
So… i’m sitting here with some early afternoon borrowed time and
wine (actually a G&T but I love a good rhyme – ha!), staring at this great circle in front of me and scratching around for some infinite entry point. I clearly love analogies and the idea of a whole new year waiting full of hope and possibility but i’m also flooded by the sheer volume of ideas, to-do’s and pipeline dreams that have surfaced over the course of 2017 – a good problem to have! With my baby boy going to play school this year, i’m allowing myself to expand into my dreams (not jeans:)…. but this will all be merely poetic unless I find that ~probably menial~ starting point and create a proper plan! As i’ve continued my deep stare into this, I have realised that my great circle has some serious layers! I was initially hoping to simply dig my teeth right into the sweet spot, but like a roll of Sellotape, I realise that a) I’ll rip the skin off my lip if i try that one again and b) I have to start on the outside way before the fun stuff, preferably with a time saving tape dispenser, and then systematically work my way in. Initially that thought felt… slow and uggh(!) like exercise after a life-long hiatus, but as the quote by Vince Lombardi goes:
“The man on top of the mountain didn’t fall there”.
So, late on Christmas night, a friend sent me a spontaneous invite to a journalling course, happening THAT very next boxing day morning. When I got the message, I felt Christmas lunch tired and all ‘NO-like’ but I know how this goes…. i’ll wake up the next morning without brain-bloat and will at some point have a solitary sandwiched thought wondering what the course would have been like, in-between stepping on lego, saying ‘no’ 10 times to a snack 1 minute after little noses turned up at their breakfast and mopping up spilt milk…. OR I COULD JUST SAY YES and probably LOVE IT… which I did… and did!! At some point during the course of the morning, I looked around at this wonderful group of women and not only wished that I could add them to my family tree but I was aware of how deeply I was soaking up the many thought-provoking, humorous, life-giving and honest moments. I could have missed this. I have been missing this!
Thats it! Investing in that which is life-giving!! But I do that? I pour my all into little lives 🙂 loving my family, and mothering my children, leading and teaching them through wilful moments and storybook bibles, creating the healthy lifestyle that their little bodies and minds deserve. I let go of my company (in both senses), solitary coffees and creative outlets to be present and I dont regret it for one sacrificial moment… but in the process I have also let go of me. Uh, a little too literally. I know… classic motherhood incident, but right there was my next belated aha moment…
The same person with the dream, is also the hitch! But before I continue, i’m squirming at the thought of leaving ME sitting alone up there one hairsbreadth longer, in what may seem like some kind of constant pedicure deserving glory. I’m really not that girl – i’m no more valuable than any other human but I do also realise that so many of the specific purposes, ideas and dreams wrapped up in my personal sellotape circle are for far beyond just me. I know how wonderful and right it feels when i’m moving as a conduit in the plans that are spoken about in Jeremiah “Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had plans for you” and in my blogs namesake verse from Psalm 139 “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” – every single day is already written!! So…. question, to self: Am I being faithful with the purposes and talents scrolled up in my heart? Am I drinking from the right river and actually being everything I can be, without being tank-filled myself? I know, latecomer to this oh so familiar discussion!! We do all actually know that flowers bloom when their soil is nourished and cultivated, just like intentions will only get us so far without getting grounded in the life-giving basics. And so, as much as I’ve recoiled from the general societal mantra of ‘it’s all about me and only what makes me happy‘… I have come to understand that if I’m going to see my favourite to do list realised in this crazy instant world, I do actually need to make an effort to carve out refuelling slow time in the right areas. And the initial irritating scratch to get that first bit of sellotape loose is as elementary as things get:-
Stop going to sleep after 11:30pm you nana and waking up backfooted, blearyeyed-exhausted and desperate for a coffee which acts as breakfast and rolls into another lifeline coffee and hurts my struggling adrenals (so very 40 of me), leaving me on the hairy end of capacity… until my brain finally wakes up around 10pm, ready to reconquer the same inert cycle. Full STOP.
And in the fresh breathing space that this simplistic commitment hopefully affords me, i’ll be inking my plans ~ journalling style ~ and systematically embarking on my 2018 creative adventures and goal wars one refuelled momentary month at a time. It’s a ‘do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do’, kind of thing! And while i’m doing that, you’ll be hearing from some inspiring life-givers that I am an honoured to have collected as friends over time – they will be sharing their stories over here on my blog – of course around adoption and some really unique journeys and decisions in growing their families. I can’t wait! I know they will bring life to many!
….and how ‘Where’s Wally‘ January of me… I normally wide birth cliche’s but in writing this, I stumbled upon what I might just be calling my motto for 2018.. and I love it: ‘INVEST in that which is LIFE-GIVING’! And I mean both giving and receiving! So let it be so for us all! And lets not stop there – join me in instagramland as we #investinlifegiving our way thro 2018: https://www.instagram.com/everydayiswritten/
Ok, back to my studies…
But I do work well under pressure…
Maybe I should study something too….. hmmmm…. just adding that to my great sellotape circle quick 🙂
Cover image by Freepik