I kind of wanted to at least write 1 post per month…. as I have a small fear that like my old gym contracts and empty photo albums, I may fall behind and find it overwhelming to know where to start running, printing and writing from… and then this will become like my other poor blog collecting cobwebs.
NO! No dust-bunnies here!
So this is my March entry… I just, JUST managed to bop my head above the waterline… and it felt kind of liberating, because it was busy for GREAT life & hope-filled reasons. March was manic and a far cry from my sabbatical year in “twentyHelLeven.” I mean you hear sabbatical and it sounds like it should be preceded by the word idyllic or something… umm it’s a kind of spoiled word for me now. Sad I chose to use it because there was nothing sabbatical about that year (except for the fact that weekly I was passing on & turning down great contacts and new work opportunities from my now severed, once thriving little business — which was a choice my husband and I made together – and a GOOD one, the right choice – but not an easy one)! I really don’t like thinking, speaking or being around negativity… but i’d be lying if I said that 2011 was great. The thing is, without going into detail around the contributing factors which added a little extra “H and L”… like, witnessing (amongst others) 3 special friends our age, struggle with aggressive cancer and watching 2 die in 5 months of diagnosis & 1 month apart, leaving behind precious fledgling families, fighting for love & unity to win in some trying, new, have-to relationships, contending for my thought life to not get critical & for my heart to not get despondent, feeling like I wasn’t always an uplifting wife to come home to and not living up to (MY OWN) expectations (& desires) of making our life simpler, better and preparing amazing healthy meals for my hub to take to work…. I made a little headway here but certainly no badges for awesome wife of the year or anything. He is the amazing one – not for one single moment did he make me feel like I was failing or should be doing better with my new ‘sabbatical’ title… sometimes he’d tell me to have a little lie in and read a book and relax…… while he was on his way out to work like the responsible, broad-shouldered, faithful man that he is…!
……And then with me not formally working the very real aching desire for children to be in our space, marriage and hearts was highlighted with intensity.
And I now realise that this is what twentyHelLeven was all about.
It was about being a little stripped and making my way thro some desert land to remember and know deeper where my source of life and water comes from. It was about becoming very thirsty for more! It was about not being in a space where I could get so cocooned by busy-busy that I don’t need to think too much about our achey hearts. It was about having the time to make meals for and pray with our friends & the precious families struggling with loosing their mom/dad/husband/wife…. and witnessing the greatest miracles as they found restored and new hope in Jesus – it was about finding these Oases… being an oasis for others at times and us seeking out quality time in refreshing friendships too. It was about controlling my thought life with all the extra time I had to be concerned about things, worrying about other people, about their choices, motives and actions. It was about creating boundaries and breaking some down, building GREEN TREES in my mind (I WILL have to blog about this one – it was a transforming, revelationary truth for me).
It was about finding the freedom to finally act on our desire to be parents… as small as that desire felt in light of the heart ache around us. It was about taking a risk and moving forward and opening doors and allowing God to speak and it was about entering 2012 and knowing this year would be different.
In January, while doing a routine task, I prayed a small, little in-passing prayer:
“God I would so love to design some books again, with THAT publisher……” dum de dum and I carried on with my task. That publisher and I last chatted 4 years ago when they hired an extra person full-time and my freelance work dried up. I really missed that particular type of work a lot thro the years but my training business kept me busy. The amazing thing was within THE week of me sending up that prayer, they contacted me (OUT OF THE COMPLETE BLUE…. skies of heaven:) and asked if I would design a book or two or 3 for them again! Well I quickly sent up a couple more well-thought out prayers in that open heaven moment whilst doing some air punching shrieks – haha – I know God always hears me! Nevertheless I added once again, ‘LORD REMEMBER ME, like you did Hannah… and that persistent widow’!
So this really wasn’t about my work… but more about some desires of my heart being fulfilled… and remembering again that God knows… and just how much He hears and cares. Beautiful, sustaining heart truth!
So what was March really all about then?
It was about furiously creating our ADOPTION PROFILE, going for medicals and filling out extra forms after our assessment day (which was pretty intense, starting at 9.15am and ending at 6.45pm with lots of questions, forms and talking), getting Spanish visas and british visas for a little overseas holiday in April which was booked about 8 months ago, going to the police station to get things certified and forgetting if it was for my visa or profile and then dropping off our profile and jumping straight into designing another book for my favourite publisher, going to sleep at 4am and waking up at 6am to carry on, making AMAZING new friendships (with couples who are walking the EXACT adoption road with us, time-wise and everything)…… and somehow laughing a lot more in-between!
I could be overwhelmed by the crazy days March or I could say WOW God, we are blessed! I am able to design and be creative using the gifts you have given me, I have rich beautiful friendships and relationships, I have a little holiday planned which made visa malarkey worth it, we are adopting a baby – it’s in your hands so completely – and I loved EVERY MOMENT of designing our profile! What a beautiful, therapeutic exercise!
And above all, God, I am grateful to KNOW & TRUST YOU!
… and you know what, poor twenty-eleven was just the vehicle. It was the year that brought us here. I will remember every oasis that we found along the way, I will cherish the life of every precious one that we met, said hello & goodbye to (for now) … and I will be thankful always for the resurrection life that springs up in my heart and soul even when in the desert places.
But BRING ON 2012 – may this be a year of LIFE in every way!!
… at the expense of sounding so totally corny… maybe I could name it