purpose in my pain

My life does not hinge around this one desire: To mother children from my womb & to see my hubster become a dad. 

Yes it’s a BIG desire and i’m spending time blogging all about it right now so you’d think perhaps this takes up much of my head & heart space. Some days yes it does, because I live knowing that my hopes have been altered and with every step I take I am so very aware that I am moving in a new dimension. When I hang up my clothes or make a cup of coffee I feel the difference, all the time, with me. It’s not really the kind of thing that gets better with time. It doesn’t fade or get easier, it just stays there as life moves forward and friends families grow. The gap feels greater as I stand watching, feeling in this changed reality. When someone gets hurt, theres generally a wound or plaster cast for all to see… but this pain is not visible, just an inward tear of the map that MY dreams were made of and my compass is working hard at finding my way thro this heart torn valley. 

Sometimes (actually more often lately) tears are waiting just behind my eyeballs…. that rising lump wants to squeak out my mouth… and that’s ok. I’m getting better at letting them roll in the most inappropriate places these days. It’s good – and it hurts to hold that lump back anyway – like that time I tried whilst watching Hachiko and Marley&Me at the cinema (ah animals!)… WOWEE did that hurt my throat and my husband’s reputation!! 😉 I’ve realised that when little dainty sobs build up for long enough they can turn into unstoppable manbear-howl-growls. These things grow behind the scenes…. and so my digressing point is that I am allowing my tears to go for it if they need to, before they manifest badly.

I have realised that in this area I can’t be strong alone, I am weak in my pain. I have always managed to get labelled the stable, strong friend, the one that others come to for advice, the super responsible one who is approved by the parents of friends. I’m clearly wild! Anyway… point is I don’t really wobble… i’ve tried but I can’t. So awesomely even-keeled! I get up and walk when life knock me down. Lying sobbing on the floor is not my forte… and my stroking-you-while-you-lie-down-there grace, is sadly limited too. I will be there for and with you but you must first choose to stand up so we can link arms and move forward together. So on this note I come back to my starting point…

…My life can not orbit and hinge around this one desire alone!!

It cannot! If I turned this desire into my idol it would consume me. My hope is in so much more than this! My purpose and identity is not to be a mother alone. You may have read my previous notes and figured that I love Jesus – He is REAL and personal to me and it’s in Him that i know my reason for living. I know that there is a secure bigger picture and plan. I have known His love for me during this heartsore time… really deeply! Jesus is not my crutch – He is the very legs I stand on!  He gives me the air that I breathe.  So I live for more than this snapshot of my life right now. We can so very easily mould our desires into a golden calf – praying, thinking, talking about it all of the time. I have made sure to watch for this in my life because so much could get sieved thro this tilted frame of reference. And when kids do join our journey (by miracle hopefully either way thro adoption / conception) then the potential is that the child could then take idol status and the crown is transferred from either our desperate desire or from our marriage partners head, to this small one. A little king who really wants his dad to be king, who really needs security in knowing that his/her parents put each other second.
After God 🙂

And what if the pint-sized ‘king or queen’ never comes?  Where will the gap fillage be transferred to? To ones quest to reestablish identity and purpose from unmet desire? I have to ask myself these questions.

So I return to remembering that my first place is as a daughter of a very great God. That is who I am. He is my safest place and my strength, because I am so frail. It’s very freeing to know this does not all begin, end & depend on me. I don’t have it all figured out, I can’t see the future and I am not always awesome in this place.  I do however still wish so very often that this little bundled desire would move to my womb. IT REALLY HURTS. But I know where to look as i journey forward. I do have a goal and a place that I long for. But this very real desire is not to be ignored either…. after-all God made me with it…. and then remembering that, I go to the ONE who called me and gave me this desire to be a mother. I wait on him.

And WE HAVE WAITED……………………………………………………………………
3 years since the day my ears heard, which wasn’t even when our hoping, trying started:  * No IVF (the sperm donor way) * No opening adoption doors.
It has been testing but we have waited because that is all we heard and felt in God to do. Not trying to quick fix or prematurely plug this hole.

This is what our waiting has brought about:

  • Gifted us time to pray and trust God at a deeper level
  • Allowed us to grow closer to one another, in marriage
  • Loving those who are hurting with a deeper understanding & empathy
  • Having a revelation that sometimes suffering and feeling pain can be a gift (definitely one that cuts thro the superficial!)
  • Allowed time for birthing in other areas – dreams and callings individually and over our marriage, under God
  • simultaneously allowing ourselves real-time to grieve….
  • and to find a true and strong conviction in our next steps forward!

So there have been heart, life, path & faith defining decisions all along the way. I have learnt that I have to be mindful otherwise I could be consumed. I have to DIG DEEP and keep going back to the sanctuary I am making in Gods arms, under His strong wing. Here I protect my joy and peace from being stolen.
It is here that I find purpose in my pain!

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