It happened like this. The phone rang, I answered. My Gynae was on the other end. She said “we have the results from your husbands sample and there are NO SPERM“… I’m like… “scusewhat?” and she reiterates with these exact words “zero, none”. Literally!
I can’t remember the next bit, just that i’m somehow trying to remain polite while she ends off with a really handy tip to be “gentle with my husband when I share the news with him”. [Awesome, thanks!] I dropped the phone. Then next I am in my bedroom, my hands and whole body begin to shake as shock manifests. I wanted to undo what my ears had just heard and tell the wind to stop being so insensitive as it just keeps on blowing… and a car goes past with a driver who has no idea how my world has just been rocked. My entire future looks different, my inescapable new reality. Suddenly a picture enters in my mind of me in a rocking chair… in a dark, empty room. I’m really old and alone, isolated and unloved. It was a horrible lie sent straight from the pit… cos that is what hell is – the opposite of everything God himself is. I can’t even call myself ‘a granny on a rocking chair’ because wouldn’t the offspring of children give one that title..? I’m just a lonely elderly lady rocking back and forth! I realise in that moment, the urgency to peel my crying head up off my bed (which I now seem to be flung across) and look UP. I have to get my eyes to look up otherwise this thing is going to take me down… this hopeless thing called despair and what felt like a death…. the death of our desire to be parents.
Looking UP was a choice that took every ounce of my strength to do.
As I did, I remembered these words… “LIVING EACH DAY WITH ETERNITY IN MIND” – a sort of the strap line I gave my life a good few years ago. It reminds me that God is the only eternal horizon on the canvas of my life and that all other things – be it – people that we love, family and friends, small treasures we collect on this earth, maybe our health – these things only exist as delicate movable objects in the foreground and they can come and go. And in the moments when we feel the very real pain of loss, where do our eyes look? Are we able to keep them set on the One who lives outside of time and space, who is consistent, steadfast and faithful and who created me and the stars with His breath. In Genesis it tells us that God hung the earth on nothing, and it’s still turning every day! I HAD to look to the One who spoke purpose over my life as He knit me together in my mothers womb and who called me by name! I was conceived in the heart of God when He created mankind. He thought of me even on the cross so that I could one day be called HIS daughter, a child of purpose and promise.
If I can trust God with my eternity, surely I can trust Him with my now? I understood in my heart that there was an unfolding plan, orchestrated and put into motion before time. God always knew this moment would happen, although a shock to me, it was NO surprise to Him. I felt strength rise up as I realised that it is right about now that this faith I profess to have is actually put into practice – ‘I TRUST YOU GOD‘. I felt significance in this verbal declaration as I made a choice to believe in the one who holds my life and my future in His hands, that’s where I want it to be, as it’s the only stable place for me to abide. God has made my life with purpose, for purpose, on purpose.
BUT…… I STILL NEEDED TO TELL HUBBY “GENTLY” cos he was styling out there in a day with wind and the guy in the car that drove past – unaware of my puffy eyes. As it goes, he just happened to be in really important meetings that day… like murphys most important ever! Plus that afternoon a young guy (who needed some help getting his life back on track) was moving in with us, so in a small window period I managed to get him home for a face to face because my broken heart couldn’t pretend without him.
SO, Mrs Doctor, I’d like you to know that I would never have blamed my hub – this was 100% OUR thing. He is the man that I walk with, the two of us together no matter what. Perhaps there was something on her words tho, cos I felt to actually verbalise that I NEVER want him to entertain any feelings of guilt on my behalf or thoughts that he has let me down or this was his fault – we covenanted for better or worse and there is nothing that he did to deserve this (& altho there wasn’t, had there been a past reason, there is the same unmerited grace that has also been extended to me). I meant what I said and my incredible, strong hubster just wept. I realised only then how much he needed to hear those words come from my mouth and heart. I think in that moment God shifted us into an even deeper love for one another and strength in Him. WE FELL BACK ON OUR FAITH – God graciously allowed me to get anchored in truth before the storm, rather than having to flounder around for anchors after it hit. Although shocked, I was not surprised (1 Pet 4:12) that a storm had hit because Jesus told us that we would have trouble in this present world (John 16:33), and I have been able to stand firm in certain knowledge of what the bible teaches about dark times.
A specialist that we saw somewhere along the line said to us that marriage is our CROWN! I think that is beautifully true. It’s easy to forget and make the desire for children a coveted crown. I can truly say that our marriage has been strengthened and blessed through this process… probably even more so since that day in January 2009… when my ears heard and my heart stopped ~ for a moment ~ right before I remembered, UP!